Swiss village finds final solution to noise problems

by Diogenes

Nassital is a remote, picture-postcard perfect village nestled in the Swiss Alps. Like most similar Swiss villages, the inhabitants have for years dedicated their lives to eliminating any hints of spontaneity, vivacity and joy, lest these threaten their overwhelm their peaceful and sedate existence. Nassital has been losing that battle ever since modernity came to Switzerland in 1973. The peaceful villagers have even had to stomach the irruption of an ethnic minority family into their Alpine idyll. Now it seems enough is enough and, following a referendum, the village has come up with the solution of group suicide. Mayor Jürgen Todführer is thrilled with this innovation. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before. It’s the perfect solution. When we’re dead, we can have exactly the kind of life we have always dreamed of. We will have peace and quiet and nobody will flush the toilet after 7pm.” Nassital residents are also content that this solution costs very little to implement and thus won’t affect their savings plans. “We still want to keep money in the bank for our retirement,” says Ethel Dummkopf, 42. If the idea takes root in other villages and towns across the country, the Federal Government is mulling over the nationalisation of Dignitas. “This would provide optimal efficiency and help raise our tax intake at the same time.”